Protecting the Heart God Gave Me: What I'm Learning About Friendship at 52

I continue to be amazed by how differently you can see people once you finally see them in a different light.

There are people you think are your friends. You consider them friends, care about them like friends and show up for them like friends, until something happens that makes you realize they were only around when they needed something from you.

Sometimes they need your help. Sometimes they need your advice. Sometimes they need your knowledge, your connections or your ability to solve a problem. And sometimes they simply need a place to unload everything happening in their life.

Then, somewhere near the end of the conversation, if you're lucky, you might hear, "Oh, and by the way, how are you?"

Before you can answer: "Okay, gotta go!"

It's almost hilarious.

Almost.

When Friendship Starts Feeling Like a Transaction

I am someone who will spread myself incredibly thin trying to help other people. If I know something that could make another person's life easier, I want to share it. If I can solve a problem, make a phone call, offer advice or connect someone with the right person, my natural instinct is to do it.

That is simply how God made my heart.

But I'm learning that having a giving heart does not mean everyone is entitled to unlimited access to it.

There is a difference between being needed and being valued. There is a difference between someone loving you and someone loving what you can do for them. There is also a difference between a friendship and a free consultation disguised as a phone call.

I have spent more than 32 years in real estate. I've lived through deals falling apart, impossible negotiations, difficult personalities, market shifts and problems that needed creative solutions five minutes ago. People have told me many times that my brain works differently from other people's brains.

They have also told me that my heart is different.

For most of my life, I wasn't completely sure what they meant. Now I think I understand.

I see possibilities other people may not see. I connect dots quickly. I care deeply, and when someone brings me a problem, I don't just listen. I immediately start trying to help them find a way through it.

For the first time in my life, I am truly grateful God gave me both this brain and this heart. It is time for me to use them fully and confidently.

But it is also time for me to protect them.

Yes, Sometimes I Get a Little Snippy

Do I get a little snippy sometimes?

Yes. I do.

I get snippy when someone asks for my advice but refuses to stop talking long enough for me to give it. I get snippy when someone talks over me, dismisses what I am saying or continues doing the exact thing they called me for help with.

And I especially get frustrated when someone repeatedly asks for my professional knowledge, picks my brain and takes my time, but never seems genuinely interested in me as a person.

That doesn't mean I don't love people. It doesn't mean I don't want to help.

It means I am learning that my time, energy, experience and emotional capacity have value.

At 52 years old, I am finally learning boundaries, and I am proud of myself.

Boundaries do not mean I have stopped caring. They mean I am no longer willing to abandon myself in the process of caring for everyone else.

A boundary is not a punishment. It is not anger, bitterness or selfishness. It is simply a door with a handle on my side. I get to decide who comes in, how long they stay and what they are allowed to carry into my life.

What Does a True Friendship Look Like?

The older I get, the more I realize that most of us may only have a handful of truly solid friends during our lifetime.

I'm talking about the ones who are loyal at their core. The live-or-die friends. The friends who would protect you, stand beside you and tell you the truth, even when the truth is the last thing you want to hear.

A true friend is the girlfriend you could talk to every day and somehow never get sick of talking to her. You can discuss everything, nothing and the same story you have probably told each other ten times.

The conversation goes both ways.

She doesn't just wait for her turn to speak. She wants to know how your day went. She remembers the thing you were worried about last Tuesday and follows up because it mattered to you, which means it matters to her.

A true friend celebrates your wins without secretly competing with you. She doesn't become distant when something good happens in your life. She doesn't minimize your accomplishments or make you feel guilty for being happy.

She claps the loudest.

She also sits with you when there is nothing to celebrate, when life is messy, your heart is broken and you don't have the energy to pretend you are fine.

A true friend knows when "I'm okay" means you are absolutely not okay.

She may know you better than you know yourself. She sees your patterns. She recognizes when you are getting ready to make the same mistake again and loves you enough to say, "Kim, we need to talk."

Not because she wants to control you, but because she wants to protect you.

True friendship is being able to have hard conversations without fearing that one disagreement will destroy the relationship. It is knowing you can tell someone your deepest, darkest secrets and they will die with them. Your vulnerability will never become gossip, ammunition or entertainment for someone else.

True friendship feels safe.

It is also the friend who will drop what she is doing when you truly need her. Not for every little inconvenience, because healthy friendship respects that both people have lives, but when it matters, she comes.

No scorekeeping. No guilt trips. No keeping a running list of who called whom last.

Just love, loyalty and the quiet confidence of knowing, "This person has me, and I have her."

I have a couple of friends like that, and I am incredibly grateful for them. I don't take those friendships lightly because I now understand how rare they are.

The Friends Who Can Pick Up Where You Left Off

The best friendships don't always require daily conversations.

Life gets busy. People work, raise families, take care of parents, navigate health issues, build businesses and sometimes simply try to make it through the week without losing their minds.

You may go a week or even a month without talking. But when the phone finally rings, you pick up exactly where you left off. There is no awkwardness and no punishment.

The love remained, even during the silence.

That kind of friendship doesn't demand constant access as proof of loyalty. It understands seasons. It gives grace. It knows that distance and busy schedules can interrupt communication without breaking the connection.

But even those friendships require effort.

Friendships are relationships, and relationships need attention. You have to make time. You have to call. You have to invite someone to lunch, check in, remember the important things and occasionally be the person willing to drive across town.

You cannot expect deep friendship while only offering leftover time.

Connection does not simply fall out of the sky.

Sometimes I Wish I Had That Here in Florida

If I'm being completely honest, sometimes I wish I had that same deep level of friendship here in Florida.

I have met plenty of people, but I'm not sure I have found that soul-level connection here yet.

Maybe part of my heart is still in Michigan. Maybe I have had a harder time connecting in Florida than I expected. Maybe life has been so busy that I haven't made enough room for new friendships to grow.

And maybe, just maybe, I need to put in more effort myself.

I also have to laugh at the irony. I live in Sarasota, surrounded by beaches that people dream about visiting, and I'm not really a beach person. Add menopause and Florida heat, and sometimes I feel like I'm being personally attacked by the sun.

But does the thought of returning to a Michigan winter when it is 25 degrees below zero excite me?

Absolutely not.

Apparently, I would like to live somewhere that feels like Michigan emotionally and Florida in January physically. If anyone knows where that is, please let me know.

Still, geography isn't the only thing that creates connection. Friendship begins when someone is willing to be open, make an effort and risk being known.

That includes me.

It Is Never Too Late to Find Your People

At 52, or 72 or 102, you can still meet new people.

You can still develop solid friendships. You can still find someone who understands your sense of humor, respects your heart and genuinely wants to know what is happening in your life.

You can still connect on a deeper level.

But we have to participate in creating that connection.

We have to leave the house, accept invitations and sometimes extend them. We have to be willing to say, "Would you like to grab coffee?" We have to ask meaningful questions and then stay quiet long enough to hear the answers.

We have to become the kind of friend we hope to find.

That means checking in without needing something. It means listening without immediately turning the conversation back to ourselves. It means being dependable, keeping confidences and making space for someone else's joy as well as their pain.

It also means having enough self-respect to walk away from relationships that remain painfully one-sided.

Not everyone who enters our lives is meant to have permanent access to us. Some people are there for a season. Some teach us what friendship is, and others teach us what friendship is not.

Both lessons have value.

God Has Always Taken Care of Me

People have said to me throughout my life, "Things just fall into your lap."

No, they don't.

God takes care of me.

I have never been homeless. I have never been without food on the table. I have always found a way to take care of my son when he needed me. I have always been able to care for my pups. Somehow, someway, I have always had a car to drive and a way to make it through.

That doesn't mean life has been easy. It means God has been faithful.

His provision hasn't always arrived in the way I expected, but it has arrived.

My heart is full of gratitude, love and honor. I cherish people and experiences deeply because I feel everything deeply. That sensitivity has sometimes left me hurt, disappointed and exhausted, but I no longer see it as a weakness.

It is a gift.

The lesson is not to harden my heart. The lesson is to stop handing it to people who don't know how to hold it.

God gave me this heart so I could love, serve and encourage people. He gave me this brain so I could solve problems, create possibilities and make a difference.

But I believe He also expects me to use discernment.

I can be generous without being depleted.

I can help people without allowing them to use me.

I can love people and still tell them no.

I can forgive someone without giving them the same access they had before.

And I can be kind without making myself constantly available.

I'm Ready to Make Room for Something Real

I'm not writing this because I have friendship completely figured out. I'm writing it because I believe many people, especially women in this season of life, feel exactly the same way.

We look around and wonder where our people are.

We wonder why some relationships feel so one-sided. We wonder whether we are asking for too much when all we really want is someone who calls because they miss us, not because they need something.

We want a friend who asks, "How are you?" and actually stays for the answer.

If that is where you are today, I want you to know you are not alone.

There is nothing wrong with wanting deeper relationships. There is nothing selfish about protecting your peace. There is nothing cruel about recognizing when someone continually takes from you without ever pouring anything back.

And there is no age limit on making a new best friend.

Maybe the friendship you have been praying for begins with one invitation, one honest conversation or one moment of courage.

Maybe someone else is sitting at home feeling exactly the same way, hoping to meet a person like you.

So I'm going to do my part.

I'm going to make the effort. I'm going to remain open. I'm going to keep loving people with the heart God gave me, but I'm also going to use the wisdom He gave me to protect that heart.

I will always be someone who helps others. That is part of who I am, and I never want to lose it.

But I am learning that true friendship is not measured by how much of myself I am willing to sacrifice. It is measured by honesty, safety, loyalty, reciprocity and love.

At 52 years old, I am no longer looking for a crowd.

I'm looking for a few solid souls.

The kind who listen. The kind who stay. The kind who tell the truth. The kind who laugh with me, pray with me and understand that sometimes menopause and Florida humidity are legitimate reasons to cancel plans.

The kind who protect my heart because they recognize its value.

And I promise to protect theirs, too.

If this resonated with you, you might also enjoy The Hardest Lesson in Real Estate: Learning to Let Go, The Life Raft Principle, and Empty Your Backpack: What Are You Carrying?. Want to talk about your own next chapter in Sarasota, Manatee, or Charlotte County? Get in touch with Kim.